*hissssssssssssssssssss*

No, the title doesn't mean "Why is there a snake in this room?!" It's the best I could come up with for pneumatic decompression, the hiss of escaping air.

Basically, over the last couple days, I realized that I need kind of a lot of time off to sort of turn things over before I can move on. In terms of Discussing Big Issues, I end up half-assing things most of the time because I drive myself to say something before all the pieces can fall into place. Example: last night, after watching a rambling sort of documentary about a five mixed-race college students on a nonprofit-endowed roadtrip to do programming and also learn a little about themselves (or something... the film didn't make things real clear), I made some remarks about community and identity that didn't really gel then and haven't quite untangled themselves now.

I definitely do the same thing in classes, going off half-cocked (which I'm pretty sure is an old firearm metaphor) with some leads but not a lot of follow-up. I noticed in lit class today that they're sort of conversation-killers. Basically, I refuse to believe that I don't have good or fully-formed ideas, since there's evidence in some places to the contrary (I hope). I just need more time to kind of link everything together mentally before I can actually come out and say it. Morning showers are good for that--my suitemates have noted on several occasions the duration of my shower time, but I use it, more than any other time of day, to sort out what it is I 1. have to do over the course of the day 2. will be doing over the longer term (big assignments, credit card bills) 3. am going in life. It takes a while. Unfortunately, sleep has been a little tight of late, so mornings are more rushed than I would like.

Deep thinking through slow (probably subconscious) processes has its benefits, too. Over the course of a semester of thinking about a well-constructed history or math class, the material coheres without warning into something often elegant (math) or surprisingly relevant (history). I can end up completely prepared to write a little essay about something without actually doing any writing or even note-taking, as information percolates through gray matter. And I when I'm really convinced about something, that slow editing process that has to have taken place makes me pretty secure/stubborn about it.

At any rate, I've been kinda busy, and I'm sorry for not feeling up to doing more stuff with everyone for the last couple months of college. But that time I spend in bed staring at the ceiling, in the shower trailing off in the middle of a Tom Petty song, at my desk halfway paying attention to Sim City is time I actually need to figure shit out.