of late

The big thing this week that was a one-time deal (hopefully) was my History Senior Comprehensive, the three-hour essay test on "everything you were supposed to have learned about Asia since freshman year." I think it turned out ok, though like most academic work I know I could have done a little better. In addition to doing some culminating theory-type reading (which I deep down enjoy), I tried to re-learn stuff from previous classes. This resulting in me unpacking the document archives from fall 2003 and spring 2005 sitting in a dusty corner of my laptop's memory. I usually hate re-reading old writing I've done, mostly because I think a lot of it is pretty tragically bad. There were a couple response papers that I clearly typed up in about twenty minutes, and they were indeed pretty painful, but I was also pleasantly surprised to find a couple essays I enjoyed rediscovering. These were from two years ago, in the Modern China class that at the time didn't seem to have taught me much of anything. I actually wrote up a couple pretty decent arguments for that class challenging assumptions in the texts we were reading, and there were moments when my prose found its rhythm. It was kind of a fun exercise. I'm now just a ten-page book report away from being done with my history major (joy!).

Now, the bad news: I've never been one to get headaches. I've taken some painkillers in my life, but that's usually for stupid stuff like trying to wear my retainers again after months of disuse. I was thus unprepared for the migraine that wiped me out tuesday 3pm. After four-plus hours spent lying on my bed with a pillow clamped over eyes and ears, trying to tough it out without excedrin, I searched webmd.com. I discovered that "hypersensitivity to light and sound" was in fact a symptom of migraines, but not tension headaches, which I guess are the normal kind. I was a little shaken up, but I figured that it must be a one-time thing, and I shouldn't get too down about it, just keep my head down and try to get as much done as I could. Then I had another one wednesday which I eventually quelled with ibuprofen, another thursday I knocked out almost preemptively, and finally one this evening after the exam once the preventative excedrins I took just before the test wore off. This last one concerns me the most. I was hoping it was like a stress response to not knowing enough history, but if they keep up, I may be in some trouble. I think the whole situation is exacerbated by what I'm recognizing as a serious caffeine dependency, which I allowed to grow as I kept having to meet deadline after deadline this spring. I'm totally afraid of coffee and soda now, although I'm constantly forgetting to completely stop with chocolate, tea, and even (gasp!) chocolate ice cream in order to control my intake. I may be handling this with stubbornness in trying to fix whatever is the problem myself, but that's kind of how I handle a lot of physiological stuff.

Sophia says she doesn't believe in a mind/body dichotomy, but I think I've internalized it beyond any sort of rational process--I want to outlast my body, force it to submit to the daily routine of my choosing. It's not necessarily the right thing to do, but it seems silly to go to Student Health only to find out I apparently just don't drink enough water or some bull like that. I drink plenty, and I started hydrating more once I started getting these damn headaches.

*edit* so I was prepared this morning to qualify this last paragraph, because last night before bed I did like some stretching and deep-breathing stuff and felt a lot better, but this afternoon I just got another headache and I'm like f*** it, body, if you aren't going to work with me on this one... so yeah. I guess I still believe in dichotomy since I there seems to be an actual relationship between my mind and my body, but I think they are intimately linked. So.

PS sorry if I've been grumpy. headaches are a cause, but I'm sure so is caffeine withdrawl/the shake-up of my lifestyle that now seems like a solution worth trying.