education/credibility *and* "home" for a month (bonus double issue)

On the plus side, I've certainly been keeping busy. Monday was the Colorado Bar Ass'n golf tournament, where I got to stand outside and pour people beer from a keg, as well as hand out free golf balls (it paid better than any regular job I've ever had except private tutoring). Tuesday, I was so inspired that Chris and I went out and played nine holes, as well as hitting a shitload of range balls--my core muscles are still a little sore. Wednesday, the CO Bar had me move boxes, which I finished ahead of schedule and followed up with a nap and some 24. Today, I managed to wake up late, mow the lawn, and then go to a farewell party for my friend Corey; the two of us go way back, from church as little kids to working at the movie theater together, and we've stayed in ok touch since. After high school, he's been sort of bouncing around, never really holding down a full-time job, not going to more school, living with friends who ended up covering part of his rent, and so on. Well, corey is moving to Hawaii, Kona specifically, to live in a shanty in the forest and hunt pigs and get welfare and food stamps. Apparently a friend of his is living that specific lifestyle, and corey is joining him. Um, yeah. So I hope I hear from him again, basically, and wish him all the best, but... man.

Also notable was the farewell party itself. I'd sort of drifted out of hanging out with that group of friends, just cause I'm so rarely in Denver anymore; they got really heavily into Denver's hardcore (the genre of music) scene, and a couple of them are in a band. Needless to say, I knew about five people at the party, and everyone else, though as far as I've seen nice people, was a stranger who was a little intimidating to talk to. Part of the problem, I realized a couple hours in, is that I wanted to talk or ask about school all the time. That works fine with people at college, since it's a point of commonality, but it seemed like it was not a topic worth raising to most of the people there. Are you still in school? Um, where? I just felt like it would have established me, already one of three people not wearing a black tshirt and/or un-tattooed, as an elitist prick, like I was trying to sort of set myself apart. Needless to say, I felt awkward. Occaisionally I wonder if that stinging criticism my mom offered the first summer I got back from college, "It's made you spoiled, like you're too good for your own family," is more right-on than I'd like to admit. I felt like I couldn't really connect with people tonight, and it seems like the way school blankets my life is at least partially responsible. Spending monday through wednesday on my feet made me realize how long it's been since I worked a day not in an office, mowing the lawn made me realize how long it's been since I've done any real work outside, and tonight made me realize that all I felt comfortable talking about was by its nature exclusive, rather than inclusive (stories from abroad, little questions about college-related crap, and so forth). Happy as I am about all that learning I'm doing, when I can't explain the "math research" I'm doing later in the summer to anyone, let alone justify how it could possibly be worthwhile, it makes me wonder where I'm going, really, and what I'm accumulating all that debt for.

In other news, I realized tonight that although I was born and raised here, Denver doesn't feel like home. I know that there's that realization when you first get home from college that your house, your room aren't really yours the way they were. That's long gone, as basically all the furniture in my room has been replaced, and my closet been emptied of almost everything when I'm not here. While driving around tonight, though, I transcended that feeling. I realized that it feels more like I'm visiting Denver on the way to somewhere else instead of living at home for a little while. Although I enjoy Colorado, I feel like it's become clear in the last couple years that I have some friends who will never leave the state (or will return after college, if they're going to school elsewhere), while others have other cities that make perfect sense for them. I'm not sure where exactly I'll end up, but it doesn't feel like here.